Serving Time.

The blogger "Broke-Ass-Stewart" recently wrote a piece on the art of serving. He broke it down into a couple of recommendations for the patron which opened a Pandora's box of input from those who work in the industry and those who benefit from it.

I began serving at my current job in January of 2008. It is a popular restaurant that forces the 37 covers to yield as much profit as possible, a grand effort for the staff that maxes out at six people a night (including the kitchen). Lets do a recap of B.A.S.'s recommendations, shall we?

1. Be Respectful Stewart says to never snap your fingers, yell "WAITER!", or talk to your server in anyway way while they are helping someone else. This seems to be a difficult concept to grasp for many dining with me. Stewart suggests to make eye contact and smile, and to remember that servers are people too, and I'll get to you when I can.
2. Mind your offspring Don't let the rugrats run amuck, remember, this looks poorly on you too - mom and dad!
3. Don't squatt OMG this is tip hits particularly close to home for me. Working in a small resto, when you pay, I need y'all to bounce, and I mean that in the most polite way as possible. Stewart says that if you stay longer than ten minutes after paying than you're not only being rude, but you're fucking with the servers cashMoney. So true.
4. Tipping Homeboy says that if you tip anything less that 18-20% you should not be allowed in restaurants - I would sign that petition. If you cannot afford a twenty percent tip, than you ordered wrong. You should factor the tipping into your budget, because one does not exist without the other. You get food, and I get 20%. And if that doesn't work for you, move to Japan.

B.A.S. stops there, but I would like to continue on...

5. Be Polite Do onto others as you would like .. done to you? Is that how it goes? I cannot tell you how many people are simply flat out rude and elitist when in a situation of people "serving" them, emphasis on them. This might be the nature of the beast, but I'd like to say that many people wouldn't act that crazy on the street, why do they find it okay to do so in a restaurant? It is a simple concept of respect, and I often feel disrespected when clocked in, no respect for my time, presence, and feelings! I am a person with feelings!! I would recommend that if the server approaches the table, allow them to do their job - place your order, and then you can return to blabbing. Don't forget to say please and thank you people.

6. Keep your hands to yourself Don't touch me, ever.
7. Keep it real. 86 Yelp. Sometimes we make mistakes, this might sound cray-cray, but I'm not perfect. If you are unhappy let me know, and I'll try to fix it, but please, do not resort to Yelp. We live in an age of ghost-writers, and therefore everyone's a fucking critic, and don't think we don't know who you are! It is the most puzzling feeling when someone tells you how much they enjoyed their meal/experience, and then Yelp the opposite. Gosh that's awkward on so many levels. On one side, I hate fake people, keep it real homie. On the other side, my boss hates bad Yelp reviews, and LOVES to rub them in our faces. So please, stay away from the Yelp therapy session.

The foodie gossip blog EaterSF posted B.A.S.'s story, and the comments drove me to do the unthinkable - comment back. The dialogue goes as follows:

Guest 1: The best servers are those who actually take it seriously as a profession, instead of making it subtly clear that they'd rather be doing something else.

Guest 2: I like to combine the finger snap with a brisk "Garcon!". If I fear that the waitron may not speak French, I translate that to "Boy!" so he is sure to understand that I need his assistance inmediatamente (yes, I am TRI-lingual!)...If the waitron is female, I defer to "Sugar Britches!" or "Doll!".

Guest 3: I prefer to get drunk and go all Mel Gibson on the waitress. "Hey sugar tits," I yell across the room, "you think you can get me another one of these fucking drinks?"

Guest 4: @guest #1. In the U.S. 98% of waiters are lazy, moronic, or both. They are not waiting tables while they solve world hunger or prepare to climb K2. Female waiters are typically too ugly to be strippers and male waiters, well, get paid better than male strippers and don't work as hard.

Guest 5: @allcommenters Ahhh, every one's a critic...

ouch! I'm a server in SF, and I'd like to say I'm hot enough to be a stripper, have good work ethic, and I have just graduated from college. Maybe this is because women are good multi-taskers that I was able to "harbor my craft" and 'serve' you all well, but fuck that mess.

For those who don't know, serving is difficult. Having to be nice/polite to a bunch of self-righteous do-gooder-foodies should award us a fucking metal. Not to mention, I could have probably earned a couple purple hearts along the way with the d-bags I have come across. It's refreshing to know that people still think that Fleur de Lys is the only type of fine-dining, so stale. Stay at Gary Danko's sir and farrrrr away from me!

Thanks for the support a-holes! Have fun in the cubicle!

I'm gonna let you guys figure out which comment was mine. Every shift, I am so shocked at the level of disrespect and rudeness that is dished out, but hey, that's what I signed up for right?